The day started like any ordinary day to Sita. She got up
and began getting ready for the day and figured out what she needed to do to
get all of her chores finished. After she was ready for the day, she went out
to the garden for some fresh air because it was such a beautiful day. Sita
was pleased because it was a great day to be outside tending to the garden and
getting some outside chores like watering her garden. It had been neglected
lately.
The sun was shining, and there was not a single cloud in sight.
There was no wind at all, and the daisies and the geraniums seemed to have
extra life. Beautiful days had been uncommon lately, so she was very
excited that the sun was shining. Sita felt as if the bright rays were shining
just for her.
Suddenly, as Sita was in the garden, she felt as if she was
being watched. She got cold chills and goosebumps. She didn’t know if
she was being watched from afar, from behind, or from the clouds. She knew that
it wasn’t Rama because he wouldn’t be trying to scare her. However, she felt as
if someone was watching every step she took. It definitely made her feel
uneasy.
Sita eventually began to run with all of her might because she
was so frightened. She also began yelling for Rama because she didn't know what
else she should do. She yelled so loud that she began to run out of breath.
With a quick swipe, Ravana snatched Sita from the air! A great day for Sita
turned into a horrible day quickly.
Sita began screaming, “Help me, help me!” But that didn’t faze
Ravana as he tied her eyes and her mouth with a piece of cloth to make sure
that she couldn’t see where she was going. But Sita remembered that she was
wearing her favorite necklace. If no one heard her screams, then the
only thing that she could do is leave a trail that leads to her. After
she made up her mind, Sita broke her necklace and slowly let the beads slip off
of the necklace one by one. She hoped that someone would find it and get it to
Rama. Sita was hoping and praying that this would be the answer to
finding her, wherever she was going.
Finally, Ravana brought her to the location he had picked and
dropped her into the dungeon in Lanka and untied the cloth. The dungeon
was dark and had very little lighting. The only light that could be seen was a
little window in the far corner. Sita could definitely tell that she was
underground. “No one will come looking for you, Sita. You are going to be my
slave now.” Sita started to panic and began hoping that
someone would find her line of beads and would free her from torture.
Sita began to pray and eventually falls in a deep sleep.
Author's Note- This story was inspired by Sita's abduction
from the Ramayana. I changed up Sita's abduction from the beginning and jumped
into Sita getting kidnapped because that was where I wanted most of my story to
take place. I also wanted Ravana to make Sita his slave instead of the queen of
Lanka to make the story darker than it already was. I chose for Ravana to take
Sita to a dungeon because I thought it gave the story a creepier
aspect as well. In the original story, Jatayu tried to rescue Sita and failed.
He was left out of the story because I wanted Sita to be alone with Ravana
throughout the entire story. I didn’t want anything ruining the fact that Sita
was going to be Ravana’s slave. My entire thought process was how I
could make the story creepy but descriptive. I wanted Ravana to take Sita,
but I wanted her to be his slave instead of his queen. As for the necklace
in the story, it was vital because this was the one thing that made it to where
someone could potentially find Sita. Sita's necklace is the one thing
that she can use to help leave a trail that leads to her. She had to think
quick on her feet, and it was a good thing that she had thought about her
necklace because it was key in finding her.
Bibliography: Narayan, R.K. (1972) The Ramayana
I really enjoyed your story! The abduction of Sita was mentioned rather briefly in Ramayana, so your elaboration was such a good idea! I really liked the addition of the beads dropping, to add a little more detail to the story. It’s so heartbreaking to think about how Sita must have felt when she was kidnapped. Overall, I really liked your story. It was great idea. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your story. You went into depth with how Ravana abducted Sita which wasn't described in the book. I liked the twists that you put into the original story such as Sita leaving a trail of beads instead of pieces of different jewelries and Ravana wanting to enslave her. Just a few spelling and grammar errors. Make sure to proof-read next time. Great work, Kelsey. Can't wait to read more of your blogs! :)
ReplyDeleteKelsey, overall, I found that the layout of your blog and portfolio to be very easy to maneuver and read. All of the links worked. If I had to make one suggestion about your Portfolio Introduction page, it would be to add a little blurb in front of each story. It just introduces the reader to the story that flows much better than just listing the link.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I found your story to be well written. If I had to give one critique, it would that sometimes you use one word several times within a close range of words. I felt that the word “day” is overused within the first paragraph. There are easy ways to rearrange sentences and use the word less often. Another word that I felt was overused was “Sita.” Of course the story is about her abduction, so I know that her name needs to be mentioned often, but I felt like her name was used so much within such a short story. I would suggest using pronouns when you can. Other than that, I found your author’s note to be very informative and your story well written.
This is a great first addition to your portfolio! The layout of your blog flows nicely, and the portfolio set up is good! I agree with Kristen that adding a little blurb before each story would be nice. The title gives a good clue to what the story is about, but a really brief summary would be great for someone looking through trying to find something that really catches their interest!
ReplyDeleteThis story is written well and flows very nicely! Your details of the scenery are incredible and made me feel like I was right there with Sita on that beautiful day. You also did a great job setting a creepy atmosphere when Sita felt something was wrong. I certainly felt like something bad was about to happen. The abduction scene was portrayed very well, but I think you should have added a bit of details that show Ravana's love/obession over Sita. He didn't simply want her as a slave, but he desired to keep her as a wife! I think that would be an important detail to have in this story. I did notice one mistake here: "Hopefull,y someone will remember her favorite necklace and come searching for her." with the random comma, but that was just a simple typo! Also, you doubled up on the Author's note by mistake. Great job overall!
Hi Kelsey! I really like the set up of your blog! I love the color pink! Your text was very easy to read and your blog is easy to navigate. Sita is my favorite character so I love any story about her! Your title works well to inform readers of what they will be reading in your story. This is written very well. I love how descriptive you were throughout the entire story. I could really picture each scene. I just wish that there was more dialogue between Ravana and Sita. I like that you went further in depth to Sita’s abduction that the readings did. You made it a more complete story.
ReplyDeleteI like the picture that you used of Sita’s abduction, that is pretty much exactly how I pictured Ravana while reading your story! Wonderful job on your story and I look forward to reading more as the semester continues!
Kelsey, I thought you did a great job with this story! I love the design of your blog and how the text was easy to read. I also like that your title of the story very clearly explains what this story will be about. The picture also kind of made me giggle a little bit, although I think it was a good illustration for this blog post. I think more dialogue could have developed the characters a little bit more. But I do like that you made your adaptation a little bit more modern in comparison to the original story. I think you did a good job at setting up the story and introducing the characters, as well as using active voice to make the story more impactful and interesting.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I think you did a great job and I am looking forward to reading more of your stories!
Hey Kelsey!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the look of your blog. The font of your story was very easy to read, and also all the setup of your blog was easy to navigate. The only thing I would suggest is that you add like a introduction part to your portfolio. Just so we as the reader will have a little background information about the stories you will be writing about.
You did a great job with this story! I really loved the extra detail you put into this story. You did a great job with descriptive words. They make it so easy to visualize the story as a reader. I do wish that there was a little bit more dialogue between the characters, but it doesn't hinder the story at all that there isn't much. I really loved that you made this your own story! I am looking forward to seeing what other stories you write for your portfolio! Great job!
Hey Kelsey!
ReplyDeleteIt's really cool that you chose this moment for your story. A lot of the moments from the book that I've picked out to write for stories have also been thought of by other people as well, but this moment is something I haven't seen anyone else write about or thought of myself. I completely forgot how Sita was left back there and its great to see her perspective at that time.
In general, I think your story was well-written and pretty descriptive with just the right amount of dialogue. I loved the image as well. I found it kind of funny which sort of relates to Sita's kidnap; it was a funny situation because it was all just kind of rather silly that Ravana kidnapped her.
I really like your font and how it is sort of spread out, which makes it really easy to read and enjoyable to read as well.
Overall, good job!
Hi, Kelsey!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your interpretation of this part of the Ramayana. You said in your Author's Note that you wanted to do a darker and creepier retelling, and I think you achieved that for sure. Especially the part where Sita can tell she is being watched by someone. Your descriptions of that part were great for portraying the eeriness of the scene. Very suspenseful.
I also like the way you contrast the start of the day with the end. Your depiction of Sita's garden was excellent. I could really imagine how beautiful it was. You did a good job setting the scene for a nice, regular day in the garden. Then everything takes a turn for the worse so quickly! Keeps the reader on their toes. Nice!
I like the picture you used for the story, too. It's cool. I have seen quite a few Ravana and Sita pictures between the two Ramayana readings, but this one's new. Good job!
You set up a relaxing, pleasant setting in the first two paragraphs. You did a nice job of easing into the story and creating the mood. I think you might have meant to put "done" between "chores" and "like" or after "garden".
ReplyDeleteI feel like Rama and Ravana could use a bit more description. Sita cries out for Rama, but it is never mentioned that he is her husband. Ravana snatches her, but the reader can't tell that he is a powerful rakshasa.
You built up the story very smoothly, paragraph-by-paragraph, which helps to keep the reader engaged and to feel in the moment while reading. The whole story flows really well.
One last tiny thing: In the last sentence, you switched to present when the rest of the story is written in past tense. I would switch it to past tense to match the flow of your story.
You are very good at writing concisely and the structure of your story is great!
Hey there!
ReplyDeleteInteresting story you told here. I noticed you completely left out the part about Rama and the golden deer. I like that you changed up the story a bit, which is nice. I personally think this class is a great opportunity to try to push ourselves outside our comfort zones, artistically speaking of course. I did like how you made Ravana even more of an evil character in your version, as he made Sita a slave instead of a queen! He did not even seem to be enamored with Sita as in the original version!
I left a few possible corrections you might consider below:
Throughout your first paragraph you use the word “day” quite a lot. I would try replacing that word, or even entire phrases, such as: “getting ready for the day”. It gets pretty repetitive. Some of the uses seems unnecessary, as well.
This sentence is at the very end of your story: “Sita began to pray and eventually falls in a deep sleep.” I would recommend changing “falls” to “fell” in this sentence. You began your sentence in the past tense, so you want to finish it in the past tense as well.
Hey Kelsey!
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job with this story! I really liked how different this story was from the story. It was interesting to see just how evil Ravana was in your story. I really loved the extra detail you put into this story. You did a great job with descriptive words. They make it so easy to visualize the story as a reader. I do wish that there was a little bit more dialogue between the characters, but it doesn't hinder the story at all. I really loved that you made this your own story! I am looking forward to seeing what other stories you write for your portfolio!
Hi Kelsey. I liked your story but there is one thing that is a bit off. You should either change it in your story or mention it in your author's note. I believe in the original story that Ravana was not allowed to lay a finger on Sita for fear of divine punishment if he touched her against her will, so him snatching her and tying her up would not work unless you mentioned in your note that this did not apply in your version. It would also be good to make some kind of mention as to why he did not tie her hands up, like Ravana was so arrogant about his own strength or prowess or something that he left her untied while they travelled, thus allowing her to leave the trail of beads. A little more detail about why he wanted her for his slave would be nice. Also in the last sentence you slipped into present tense instead of past tense.
ReplyDeleteKelsey,
ReplyDeleteI really liked this story! It was interesting to hear this story from Sita’s point of view. I have a couple comments:
-I enjoyed the description of the day. It added a realistic, day-to-day sense to the story, and also created a calm before the storm effect
-While I had no problem with the premonition you gave Sita that was not in the original Ramayama, you might give some indication for why. A lot of times in the Indian epics there are signs, the wind blows wrong, the sky turns dark, the animals do strange things, etc. Maybe you could incorporate that into your story
-I did not think Ravana was given enough introduction. You just dropped his name in there and then left it. I think there should at least be a short description of who he was or why he was stealing Sita.
All in all you did a good job!